Episode LXVII – Judge not, lest ye be judged.

Once everything was perfectly sanitized and G-Rated, I sent off an indignant and non-salacious response. I could tolerate no more, because it had gone past a good joke, and was simply too much. In my message, I demanded that she cease from sending me messages at all. Of course, the obvious foreseeable result was that she only became more adamant about her goals and as such, I received an increasing volume of e-mails. In response, I adopted the “D for Delete” posture when it came to e-mail. I didn’t care if a mountain of one’s and zero’s spilled out of my inbox; as soon as I saw the Sender’s address, I deleted them, causing my “D” key to become prematurely weathered.

Since she was not getting the response she desired, she found my phone number, and began to call, rasping sweaty fantasies into my voicemail. The calls went straight to voicemail, because after two calls, I had unhooked the phone from the cord. At this point, all of my friends would stop by, listen to the five minute sagas, laugh hysterically, offer no cogent solutions, and leave, still howling in delight. I wanted to punch all of them in the face.

A week later, Longhorn informed me that a “freakish heathen” matching Scylla’s description had come by our room. From the moment I heard those words, I knew that I was truly prey. While I had come to that conclusion when I had disconnected the phone, it was discomforting to know that my very footsteps and haunts around campus were now being dogged. Petrified, I hunkered down in the bunker of my room. I couldn’t use the phone, because she could call. I couldn’t correspond with other people, because then I’d have to wade through a mass of her e-mails. I couldn’t venture outside the room, because she could sneak in. I was cut-off, isolated, and now incessantly mocked by my friends. It was a horrible, sick feeling.

Fate therefore found me at my door, at one of my lowest moments. At the door, I was avoiding not only a date, but mere detection. I was beginning to consider consulting the campus police for protective custody. I wasn’t sure what they could do – other than beating her phone and computer into a pulp with their six-battery double-cell flashlights. Suddenly, the phone rang with its jarring “bzzawt” clang. I jumped three feet in the air, and returned to the ground with a nasty twitch. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Longhorn reaching for the receiver, despite my silent desperate pantomime to ignore its siren call. With the phone at his ear he listened at first, before grimacing and contorting his face into a revolted expression. I could tell that it was her; and that he would be passing the earpiece to me in a second.

I didn’t want to hear any more of those pestilential desires. But, rather than handing me the phone, his expression shifted, and he began to speak. I knew that tone. It was usually reserved for his friends, and it usually discussed my sins in deadly detail. Except this time, the sermon flowed toward Scylla unabated for several minutes. With rapturous attention I watched him speak. I didn’t listen, because I never really paid attention to his words, and because I was as stunned as an accident prone armadillo. With a flourish, he finished, and clicked the phone closed. With a smug expression on his face, he turned to address me.

“I don’t know what devilish enticements you and your friends have told that poor girl” He began, as my eyes widened in shock. “But you can be certain that because of my words, she has now found the path of righteousness and chastity, and that your foul scheme shall not prevail.”

Gently, I closed my slack jaw. The content of his speech was not surprising to me, because I had heard such a diatribe before. I considered explaining the events of the last weeks briefly, but decided that on this occasion, it was better to be judged if it solved the issue. Later, I unbolted the door and headed out for food. No one lurked behind corners, waiting to ravage my body. When I returned, no messages demanded my attention. That night, as I slept alone for the first time in my college career, I thanked Longhorn, because although he was a judgmental fool, he had left a great parting gift.